Is it love that I’m feeling?

All my loves were abrupt, dramatic, short, intense and they seemed to be forgotten quicker than the last one. Love never made me happy – not long term. It made me powerful, merciless or unsure, unstable and crushed. Love made me think and act differently – there was a time when I suddenly wanted children or could give up travelling or changed my taste in music completely.

From the latter one I haven’t yet recovered and I don’t think I ever will. Till this day every song is a faint lingering of a love almost forgotten. I can trace every band, every chord, every voice to a person, to a moment, discussion or fight. Music is a stamp of time, a mark of relationships unrealised, loves not fulfilled, mistakes and words not forgiven.

In two or three years it will be a decade since my struggle with love started. I’ll be in my mid-twenties. Only this year I experienced a love that felt whole, but not all-consuming, abrupt but steady. I did not think of changing my life, I did not want to move across the continent, change my career, preferences, hobbies, myself. I felt equal. I felt as if we are the same but very different and was at peace with it. I didn’t feel the need to change my mind as quickly as I have made it up.

We’re sixteen years and a continent apart. Our minds think very differently, but at our core there are coincidences and commonalities that feel wonderfully odd and unbelievable. It was barely a romance that stemmed from a friendship that grew quickly. Yet, it feels like it will blossom for years.

So is it love that I’m feeling? Is it a more mature and responsible kind that I’ve never known? I don’t know if I’ve changed as a person or found an equal. Has my relationship to people and time changed? We knew that this odd week of togetherness will end. I knew I will have to let go, even though normally I wouldn’t. It’s still different.

I think what changed was my relationship to time. I don’t see it as an enemy anymore. I look forward to getting older for the first time and seeing what the time will bring. I enjoy my youth and take full advantage of it, but I’m at peace with its passing. I have a curiosity not intertwined with jealousy. I want to see if he has another kid, grows his business, maybe remarries or divorces again, travels. I want to see where I will be, but I’m not scared or already disappointed with the future that is yet to come. I want to see us on our very different paths in 10, 15, 50 years. I want to see us reunite one day but I’m at peace if we don’t. I’m okay with change.

Is it love without jealousy? It’s an odd feeling – being at peace with myself. Is it love without expectations? I love without sadness or happiness. I love the comfort of knowing that things will change.

Is this an adult, mature love that I’m feeling? Whatever love this is, it feels liberating.

Published by


I'm many things. Writer, traveller, reader, script supervisor, avid movie goer, 1st assistant director, volunteer, maybe in a couple of years I'll be something different.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s